If you’ve never had that “time you almost gave up…” moment in your life, I’m glad, sis. I hope that you never do and that you always run with Jesus’ fire under your feet. There’s no time for giving up, but I have gone through it. I put myself through it. I almost threw in the towel on Jesus just to have Him throw it back at me and say “I’m not done with you yet!”
This is my story. I am going to be very vulnerable because all that I want is for that one person that needs to hear this to read it. I have honestly struggled with telling this part of my story because of fear of man, but I don’t care anymore. This is what happened to me and it was so real and it could happen to anyone. As Christians we are not exempt from the enemy’s attacks BUT God did promise we would not be overcome by the enemy.
I want to tell you that God still loves you no matter where you are in your life. Whether you’ve given up on your walk with him twice or multiple times, it doesn’t change how much He loves you. This Christian thing can get twisted sometimes and the enemy will try to trick you into believing that you have to do 100 things on God’s imaginary list in order for Him to accept you into His family. But sis, all it takes is confessing with your mouth that HE alone is Lord, repentance, and receiving His forgiveness. AND then making a daily choice of following Him for eternity. Your walk with Him does not end at your “yes” to Him, that’s only the beginning.
Unfortunately a lot of people have made the decision to turn their backs on Jesus (like I almost did) and make a path for their own selves. I’ve tried it. I’ve been there, but let me tell you right now… It failed. I don’t care how far I tried to run away from God, His goodness only pursued me. LITERALLY pursued me. I had friends and family literally fighting for me. Physically and in the spirit. That’s why it’s so important to figure out what kind of friends you want around you. But that’s a different topic for a different day….
I’ve never experienced God’s love pursuing me so hard until last year.
Some of the things that I would tell myself sounded like this:
“He will never forgive me.”
“I’ve gone too far to go back to Him.”
“He doesn’t love me anymore.”
“I’ll never be good enough to live a life for Him again.”
“All of those people are judging me.”
Yup, all of those statements are things the enemy was HAUNTING me with. I heard them so loudly in my head that I fell into a dark cloud. I didn’t want anything to do with anyone, especially not Jesus. I wanted my “old life” back because I couldn’t see my future with God anymore. The very life that God had saved me from once already. The enemy was after my life but God…
There were days that I truly didn’t want to get out of bed. Every time I listened to worship I’d cry. I cried because I couldn’t stand to listen to it. I didn’t feel worthy of any of the words that were coming from the song. I didn’t feel worthy of worshipping Him.
Eventually I started driving everywhere with my music off. This is where it grew the worst. Every time I drove somewhere with no music I’d hear the enemy say “why don’t you just drive your car off the road?” Yeah, I said it. I went through all of that last year and some people didn’t even notice. But that doesn’t matter because He did… What matters is that Jesus brought me out of it. I’m here. I’m standing in the Lord’s goodness. Till this day I am in awe of the what He did for me. Not once did He say “well dang Joscelin, you really messed up. There’s no way I could love you now. You don’t belong here anymore”. He spoke the exact opposite over me.
There were days I’d get in my car after a long day at work and just cry. I’d hit my steering wheel, I wanted Jesus back, but the enemy would say, “No.. He doesn’t want you.”
Honestly, writing some of these words has me in tears because I can’t believe I truly went through that. I was hurting. And now I realize that this actually happens to so many people, so many people that truly want to live a life for God but the enemy is PROWLING over their lives telling them that they’ll never be worth it. Good thing the enemy is only like a lion (1 Peter 5:8). But sis, whoever is reading this, I’m telling you because I lived through it, that there is ABSOLUTELY NOTHING THAT WILL BE ABLE TO SEPARATE YOU FROM THE LOVE OF JESUS. Not the things you’ve done. Not what you’re going to do tomorrow. Or what you’re doing right now. Yes, He did die for your sins and there is nothing that He did not cover at the cross. He covered it all.
"Neither height nor depth, nor anything else in all creation, will be able to separate us from the love of God that is in Christ Jesus our Lord." Romans 8:39 NIV
Do you want to know the only thing that the Lord wants from you? It’s to run back to Him with open arms. To love Him unconditionally as He loves you. When I was going through all of that I built these walls between Him and I. I know sure well that He didn’t create them. If anything, His pursuit over me grew stronger than ever.
I remember one night while I was going through all of those things and thoughts, I was doing something that I should not have been doing. In the moment that I did it, I remember thinking to myself “He will definitely not love me after this, for sure.” I had just made my mind up that God could really not love me anymore. Forever. That that was all there was to it. I mess up one time and He throws in the towel on me. I seriously entertained the thought that He wouldn’t want anymore despite the FACT (it is a fact y’all, TRUTH) that He went to the cross for me and the things I was doing. The crazy thing was that I could still hear Him even though I was so far from Him. If you’ve ever seen the Twilight Saga (specifically New Moon), when Bella is trying to be reckless in order to hear Edward’s voice again, that’s how it was for me. I wasn’t intentionally (like Bella was) trying to hear God’s voice, you know I was trying to run from Him, but in that moment, that particular night, I heard the Lord tell me “it doesn’t matter what you do, Joscelin, I don’t love you any less, and not this nor that could separate you from my love”.
When I heard that I had to walk away from the people I was around because I couldn’t stand to hear that and not want to cry. Jesus really wouldn’t stop loving me….
There’s some of you reading this, probably thinking, “oh so that’s what happened to you when you fell off the face of the earth” OR there’s some of you reading this that don’t even know me, and are thinking “Wow, I’ve been there…” Or maybe you are there. Sis, it doesn’t matter. God hasn’t changed His mind about you. Maybe it’s been a month, or a few days, or even years, but you happened to click on this blog post. Just know that He absolutely loves you and He is in pursuit of you till this day. Forget what people think. They’re not going to answer to Jesus for you. It’s you and Jesus.
Please don’t give up on Him like I almost did. Tell your story about how you almost gave up. If you’re reading this it means that you still have breath in your lungs and you DO have a story to tell. I am proud of you.
First of all, I’m glad that you’re still here, breathing.
Second of all, return to Him.
Third, don’t hesitate to reach out. I would love to pray with you, talk with you.
"Come away, my lover. Come away with me to the faraway fields. We will run away together to the forgotten places and show them redeeming love." Song of Songs 8:11 TPT Love always, Joscelin
Don’t forget to subscribe below by entering your email! Leave a comment, message me on social media, whatever you’d like. I’m here!